Yak-MALLA! Me and the fellas sat down to review Gymkata, a movie with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think…
Kurt Thomas, the star of our film, is an medal winning Olympic athlete, who competed in the late 70s. He’s mostly typically known for his World Championship and Olympic Medals. He even has two moves named after him. The Thomas Flair is a pommel horse and gymnastics floor combination move. The Thomas Salto is a floor move that consists of a tuck and twist that is considered a dangerous and advanced move.
The US government did not permit Kurt Thomas to compete in 1980. He then decided to forgo the 1984 Summer Olympics because of the rules requiring amateur athletes without endorsements to compete. “Professional” athletes were not allowed back until 1990. Rather than compete, Thomas made his first and only film, Gymkata. He was in his prime - and he should have just competed.
The cover of the movie says it all - Gymkata is “A new kind of martial arts combat. The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate.” While the movie shows his skill in a rather cool light, it is a poorly acted, hilariously bad, and very poorly made flick. Kurt Thomas even got a Razzie nomination for Worst New Star.
Jonathan Cabot is recruited by the US government and what we think is his Dad? Who is also the same age as him? To compete in something called The Game, the goal being for the US government to win so they can install an early warning missile defense system thingy. To my dismay it was NOT the Michael Douglas/ Sean Penn The Game kind of game. Instead it was deadly jumpy, kicky, fighty game that requires flips and a rando placed pommel horse. It’s super important the US win and take over, I don’t know why. No one outside of the excotic (NOT) location of “Parmistan” has won in 900 years. It’s all up to our man Jonathan / Kurt Thomas and his Mullet Intensity to have us screaming U-S-A! U-S-A!
Jonathan’s training to help him up his game is given to him by Princess Rubali. Some of his training involved walking handstands with nice tight close ups of Kurt’s Thomas. Naturally, after seeing his potential and sweet kicks, the silent but deadly Princess falls in love with that dope mullet. I mean ladies, how can you NOT, am I right?
Now this is where it becomes a great big blur. As I faded in and out of consciousness, I caught blurbs of what was happening. The Caspian Sea, a pet hawk or Eagle for some reason? Maybe to make Jonathan look even cooler? Of course! I remember staring at what looked like a dead tooth in Jonathan / Kurt Thomas’s mouth. Like I’d wake up and there would be another poorly angled dead tooth close up. I also remember a vague discussion on how much did Home Alone 2 borrow from these fight scenes? (I really wish I was more awake for that one!)
I remember sassy extras doing just a little too much in back of fight scenes. I also remember a lot of toothless extras. I remember an unusually large amount of Duh face happening. The combination of the two made me ask Matty if they were supposed to be zombies. They were not. There was also parts of the course I’d missed, like a rope course. Matt informed me that was hilarious. Lastly I remember waking up and thinking holy shit, is this still on? Needless to say, despite my napping, I hadn’t missed much.
The Game was like a Crazy Town Rampage. Our hero was wandering a city while silent creepy toothless locals waived white flags with dead eyes to direct him to the next leg of The Game. Then more insane people would come out and eerily fight him? It’s as if someone said let’s create this “competition” around death by gymnastics to the mentally ill. It’s literally a town made up of the criminally insane he has to fight his way through. In the real world, these people are locals on location in Yugoslavia. They truly picked some convincing folks. I don’t know man, it freaked me out. Yak-Malla.
So anyway, a pommel horse appears out of nowhere while the creepy people make sad noises at Jonathan, and yada yada yada, Kurt Thomas gets to do his super Olympics signature move and wins The Game for the USA. Hooray we killed the poor locals! Princess Ruyobi is back for smoochies! Forgot about that bitch didn’t you. Lol!
This was NOT my kind of movie. I’m not a big action movie fan, even the laughably bad ones can be questionable for me. However, my male counterparts, Ty Comeuppance and Sweet Matty, were howling at this “action” flick. Ty literally said he loved it! Matt found it funny and enjoyable, but also....BAD.
Here’s the breakdown:
Best Parts - Village of the Crazies
- Pommel Horses
- Mullet Intensity and Deep Comb Overs
- Gymkata!
Worst Parts - Dead Tooth Close Ups
- The Villagers
- The Script, Direction & Acting
- What love story?
TY - 4 Pliskins MATT - 3 Pliskins JILL - 1 Pliskin
References :
Kurt Thomas Wiki - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Thomas_(gymnast)
Rotten Tomatoes Gymkata Review - https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/gymkata/
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