The Apple (1980)

Hey, hey, hey BIM’s on the way! HOLY SHIT! All three of us watched The Apple for the very first time, and hot damn was it a movie!

This movie takes place in the future - of 1994, which they remind you every chance they get. It starts right in with a big huge rock n roll musical number where they sing about how nothing matters. We see an auditorium where they are filming the Worldvision Song Festival, which is basically a singing competition. A very glittery crazy futuristic looking band called BIM is performing the fuck out of their song. It looks like the end of Xanadu when the club Xanadu opens and the 40s and 70s merge - but it’s on acid and screaming in your face! It’s amazingly cheesy, and so far, it’s 100% living up to it’s whacky reputation. Talk about over the top! But in the very best possible way.

The next set of contestants is an innocent looking folk music duo from Canada, who sing a love song duet that wins half of the audience over, while the rest start rioting over BIM. Mr. Bugalow and company are able to measure how excited people are and then use some sort of red tape to alter their emotions. If it doesn’t make sense, don’t worry, most of it won’t! But trust me, you want to stay along for the ride. Mr. Bugalow, who runs BIM the group as well as BIM the music company, rigs the competition so his group wins. But he also sees the potential in the Canadian duo, Alphie and Bibi. He brings them to his office to sign an exclusive record contract. Bibi signs her contract right away, barely reading it, and ready for fame. She has zero probs leaving Alphie in the dust. Alphie starts to look the contract over and begins to feel an earthquake and apocalyptic visions of the future that involve another dance number showing BIM’s true nature - they’re evil as Helllll.  He does not sign on the dotted line and all the visions go away.

Bibi is whisked off and made over into a BIM star and comes out all glittery with crimped hair and strutting her stuff to a song called Speeeeeeeeed!!!!!! There is a lot of high heeled grinding and silver aluminum foil looking costumes and, well, speed. Bibi has gone full blown rock star. Also look closely, because in this number on one of the motorcycles you can catch a close up of Finola Hughes! That’s right, that diva bitch from Staying Alive made her film debut in The Apple! TWO back to back flicks in which she destroyed it with dance. You’ve gotta love it.

Bibi is seduced by fame and a dude named Pandi, who is also a part of BIM, along with his twin sister Mandi. He looks like a low budget Roger Daltry, and weirdly kind of similar to Alphie. In his first attempt to rescue Bibi, Alphie finds her in bed with Pandi to which she tells him to get lost with zero remorse or acknowledgement they were ever even a thing. Alphie, heartbroken by the loss of Bibi, goes to his sad apartment he shares with a rando old lady character then for some fucking reason he grabs her and feels her up. Hopefully that’s not his Mom! Although, equally weird if it’s his landlady. Is he paying his rent with nature’s credit card - his weiner?

Annnddddd moving on.

Meanwhile everyone is given these little shiny, glittery triangle stickers to wear called BIM marks. At first it seems like a fashion statement, but turns out it is like a shiny delicious tracking device and it’s now illegal NOT to be wearing it. BIM starts to seem more like a Big Brother apparition than a music company and things just keep getting weirder. Citizens are forced to live under the regime of BIM, which is starting to feel a little bit like the old 60s show, The Prisoner, but more depressing and hiding underneath eight layers of caked on glitter. Citizens are stopped when not wearing their BIM marks by the police, and even get arrested. Everyone must stop what they’re doing and  take part in the official BIM exercise time of day. We even see fire fighters stop putting out a fire to do their BIM workout as a building and people go down in flames. WHAT?!? Everything becomes about serving BIM.

As Alphie grows stronger he goes off to live with a hippie homeless group in the park. He decides it’s time to rescue Bibi from her rock stardom and bring her to his weird commune. Rescuing Bibi seems to involve having an affair with BIM’s Mandi, who sings a song about coming to get him, which is actually about cumming to get him, and basically rapes him. But instead he bones the evil straight out of her, which begs the question, is his weiner magic? ...

Her glitter disappears and she becomes all about Alphie and Bibi being together, because she feels his love for her while she’s having sex with him and his magical penis. She completely changes post coitus while he lays there whining for Bibi. What?!? I don’t care.

So Bibi decides she hates fame, she hates BIM, that she had a good thing going and needs to be with Alphie too. She leaves with the help of Mandi, who because she got dickmitized into believing in real love and wants them to be together again. Mandi helps Bibi escape and takes the punishment for it, believing she did the right thing and sings a weak ass song about it.

Bibi and Alphie go to live in the park with the hippies. You don’t realize like two or three years has passed until Bibi comes walking out looking totally hippie and carrying two small children. They live in a commune situation and consider themselves married. Mr. Bugalow locates them (years later??? Like give it up Bro.) and is ready to arrest them, and all the other hippies, cause hippies are not down with the BIM. Suddenly, a dope white car flies out of the sky carrying a man looking kind of like the Colonel that they call Mr. Topps. There is no reference to Mr. Topps at any other point in the movie, but somehow Alphie knows he’s coming to save them. He gets all spirit in the sky and takes everyone's souls to a new safe planet where Mr. Bugalow isn’t allowed. Cue the Jesus music, you just got allegoried bitch! This was one big Old Testament rock musical and you just got tricked into watching it. Mic drop. Testify!

I admit, when this movie ended I was so mad. I felt like I got tricked into church. I don’t want to be tricked into church. But the fact is I could not stop obsessing over this dumb movie. The next day I watched features and commentary. The day after that I was miming the dance moves around the house. Ty and I texted about this movie endlessly. Matt and I hummed the songs for a day or two. So you have to think, if a movie is judged by it’s entertainment value alone, dumb or not, this was very entertaining and thus, a successful movie! I actually went and changed my original rating for it after writing this. Turns out, I loved this shit!

We were lucky enough to be able to watch this on blu-ray. It had a gorgeous transfer that was remastered in 2016. It looked so fresh, vivid and modern that I had to keep reminding myself that this movie was made in 1980, even though it takes place in 1994, and looks like it was made in the 2000s. The blu-ray also includes an incredibly informative commentary track with actress Catherine Mary Stewart, who played Bibi. For example, while watching the film I developed a theory that the more glittery you are, the more you’ve been consumed by the evil of BIM. In the beginning everyone is covered in glitter except for Alphie and Bibi. When Mandi begins to have feelings and helps Bibi escape, she hardly has any glitter on. The more evil Mr. Bugalow gets, the more glittery he gets to the point of a devil horn coming out of his head. (It’s literally just one horn.) A lot of this supported my theory. However, after listening to the commentary, turns out the lack of glitter is actually from running out of money, and everyone was too tired to finish applying all that make up everytime they filmed. The further into production they were, the less everyone cared. So you start to see more lackluster futuristic looks. The timing just happens to coincide with the linear filmmaking, supporting my theory by accident.

Honestly, our ratings don’t matter so much on this one. This is a movie that must be seen to be believed. If you can get your hands on it, watch it at least once. It really is a crazy movie experience you won’t soon forget. I thought I hated this movie, but as the case may be, I think I’m obsessed with it now. I think all three of us are.

The Best Parts

-Mr. Bugalow

-Over the top songs, dancing, musical numbers and crazy sassy extras.

-Glitter and BIM marks.

The Worst Parts

-The slow decline of enthusiasm by everyone in the movie

-You’re tricked into religion.

TY - 2 Plisskens

MATT - 3 Plisskens   

JILL - originally 2 Plisskens, changed to 4 Plisskens

Death of a Cheerleader (1994)

Based on true events, this is the story of high school sophomore Angela Delvecchio, played by Kellie Martin, and popular girl stereotype, Stacey Lockwood, played by the legendary Tori Spelling. Angela lives in a perfect little small town. The opening to the movie feels similar to the opening of David Lynch’s Blue Velvet. Perfect suburbia with something lurking underneath…. Murder.

The opening continues to unfold with a Scream - Drew Barrymore like murder taking place. And our story unfolds….

One day Angela goes to a pep rally with her bestie Jill. She is moved by the rally’s rousing speech by her principal, Locke from Lost, who is hammering it home to be the best! The best! THE BEST! She decides then and there that being her best means being someone else! The popular girls who must be a precursor to the Plastics, headed by queen bee, Stacey Lockwood. It also means joining not one club or clique, but every club and clique that her popular hero, Stacey, is in.

Angela has an “in” to the cool clique through her friend Jamie, a transfer student from their former catholic high school. Jamie is totally passing in the clique on her good looks and invites Angela to chill with the cool girls. Angela learns that Stacey Lockwood is kind of a cunty judgemental bitch with terrible comebacks. She has a real hard on for ragging on Goth Girl Monica. Back story being that they were once friends, and then Monica…. Changed…. And… developed her own…. Ideas? Wait, what??? That bitch!

Angela begins by telling anyone who will listen how she is going to be super cool popular girl and joining all these clubs all while looking thirsty as helllllll. Her big sister, the weird college vegan played by TV’s Christa Miller, basically tells her to stop it and aim lower. Instead Angela reaches for her dreams and lands a cool girl job in the high school office, instead of in class, with none other than, Stacey Lockwood! OMG you guys it’s all happening!

After much churching, as Angela’s mom is a very strict Catholic, her mother (Valerie Harper) surprisingly allows her to go on a school chaperoned ski trip with all the cool kids. Unfortunately, Angela forgets Cool Girl 101, you have to have a super current wardrobe, and thrifts her way to the ski trip. She should have known, unless you have those Molly Ringwald redesign sewing skills, you can’t be a thrift store queen. This puts her in the likes of Monica the now very angry goth girl. Her friend Jamie gets mad and tells her to stop being poor and weak and do what Stacey says.

Next Angela pledges to The Meadow Larks, a do-gooder service club similar to a sorority, but in high school. (I find myself wonder, when does she actually go to class?) She gets picked to be a Lark. Hooray! Now it seems like Stacey is resentful and dislikes Angela. Meanwhile, Angela seems to be oblivious.

To celebrate their new Larkness, the girls take turns jumping out of a convertible, and kissing random dudes at stop lights, and giggling away. When it’s Angela’s turn, the guy stares at her like she’s a piece of shit, rolls up the window and DRIVES AWAY! The Larks laugh hysterically while Angela goes home muttering about how Stacey Lockwood can do everything.

Angela continues to be a sad thirsty girl and the butt of jokes, but is accepted. Monica the Goth Girl remains the target of the queen bee’s bullying.

Next, poor Angela tries out for cheerleading. She is stiff, uninspired, and clearly has no cheer experience. The perfect Stacey does the same cheer routine next, and delivers virtually the exact same dull performance as Angela but is told she is AMAZEBALLS. Angela is visibly upset as she pouts and glares.

Next Angela goes for yearbook staff, something she’s always done and is known as an excellent writer. Should be a shoe in, right? Wrong!  Inexplicably, Angela is kicked to the curb and not picked for yearbook. She freaks out, how can she be the perfect popular best Stepford now!?!

Finally, Angie’s break from reality starts to happen when she is very publicly not picked for cheerleader. Principal Locke from Lost holds an assembly to announce the new school cheerleaders and rub in everyone’s face how much the rest of the students are NOT best. Just these four awesome pretty girls that are not Angela - THEY’RE the BEST! Angela sadly walks home to pout. Her weird college sister picks her up and tries to cheer her up while eating cucumber slices that she is rando slicing in the car with a kitchen knife WHILE BEHIND THE WHEEL! What? Who does that?

Besties Jill and Angela are now getting smashed and make plans to soothe Angelas pain by going to a cool party. Suddenly, Angela comes up with a scheme to invite Stacey to the party and MAKE her be her best friend. Turning from thirsty girl to official stalker, Angela completely lies to everyone to get the unwilling Stacey to meet her and get in the car, making up a story about a special Lark party where “someone” will pick her up. Shit gets super illegal for good little Catholic Angela. Spoilers - the name of the movie will soon come into play!

ATTENTION WORLD: Stacey Lockwood is dead. The whole school mourns and is eager to find out who done it. Detectives start investigating the student body. The high school court of public opinion  default to Monica the Goth Girl as the killer and begin tormenting her. Angela watches but does nothing and tries to live with herself and what she did to the popular girl she idolized. Suddenly, everything’s coming up Angie! She’s a cool girl now! Everyone loves her and she even gets a cool guy boyfriend. Her guilt is knocking at her chamber door while she lives her dream. But Detectives Uncle Phil and his partner are starting to sniff her out. Angela is clearly the murderer, but how do you take down someone so young and likable. You let the guilt get to them.

Murderer Angela has a heart to heart with her Mom after confessing in a gut wrenching letter that she’d killed the teenage dream, and wants to take responsibility.All the while she is begging her mother to please don’t give up on her and please don’t stop loving her. She wants to do the right thing and turn herself in. Her mother kind of acts like she forgot to take out the trash and comforts her.

The whole town is torn during the trial of Angela Delvecchio. Did their BE THE BEST Hitler youth rally drive her too far, or did she create an unhealthy obsession with a frenemy that drove her to murder. As the blame is shuffled around, everyone shows up to watch the spectacle of Angela’s trial unfold. This creates an even bigger Heathers vs. Boogers atmosphere. Jamie tells the cool girls off by saying hey, this isn’t like one of your parties. It’s a court of law. Boom! She knows her proper nouns!

The movie ends with Angela’s friends - Jill and Jamie, forgiving her, but not forgetting and Angela embracing her guilt and jail time. Jamie sends letters to Angela and remains her friend, even taking some of the blame for siding with the Plastics instead of her own opinions.

I saw this made for tv movie back when it originally aired in 1994. I remember as a teenager, finding this movie interesting and kind of campy, but weirdly relatable. While everyone else is delivering a typical Lifetime performance, Kellie Martin shines with a very realistic and emotional performance that really makes you actually feel for her. Maybe even routing for her by the end of the film. This is also a tale of a girl who was bullied before bullying was a national campaign. And I can’t help but find the contemporary irony of the be the best speech and the current Be Best first lady project.

On the other end of the spectrum is Valerie Harper, who’s practically TV royalty, delivering an underwhelming performance as Angela’s mother. I really mulled over this one. I just can’t get past this heart felt and scared letter Angela sends to her mother begging for love and support. While the rest of us are feeling heart pangs, Valerie Harper just makes a face and calls for her husband. Where are the tears? Where is the heart ache? Was there a scene cut out where she takes a handful of Xanax to cope?

Death of a Cheerleader has been remade by Lifetime with what looks like none of the emotion and a way more, over the top camp version of the story with a lead actress, who judging solely by the commercial, can’t act beyond whiney teenage girl. Kind of like the weird remake of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger - a movie so meta it swung past camp and back to bad again.

The remake will be premiering on February 2nd on Lifetime, you can still find the original classic on Amazon Prime.

Here’s the breakdown:

The best -   Kellie Martin’s acting is perfection

      Tori Spelling being Tori Spelling

      The perfect blend of engaging and campy

The worst-   You thirsty girl!

                   Valerie Harper is wooden and way underwhelming

Jill - 4 Plisskens      Ty - 3.5 Plisskens     Matt - 2.5 Plisskens

Gymkata (1985)

Yak-MALLA! Me and the fellas sat down to review Gymkata, a movie with a beginning, a middle, and an end. I think…

Kurt Thomas, the star of our film, is an medal winning Olympic athlete, who competed in the late 70s. He’s mostly typically known for his World Championship and Olympic Medals. He even has two moves named after him. The Thomas Flair is a pommel horse and gymnastics floor combination move. The Thomas Salto is a floor move that consists of a tuck and twist that is considered a dangerous and advanced move.

The US government did not permit Kurt Thomas to compete in 1980. He then decided to forgo the 1984 Summer Olympics because of the rules requiring amateur athletes without endorsements to compete. “Professional” athletes were not allowed back until 1990. Rather than compete, Thomas made his first and only film, Gymkata. He was in his prime - and he should have just competed.

The cover of the movie says it all - Gymkata is “A new kind of martial arts combat. The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate.” While the movie shows his skill in a rather cool light, it is a poorly acted, hilariously bad, and very poorly made flick. Kurt Thomas even got a Razzie nomination for Worst New Star.

Jonathan Cabot is recruited by the US government and what we think is his Dad? Who is also the same age as him? To compete in something called The Game, the goal being for the US government to win so they can install an early warning missile defense system thingy. To my dismay it was NOT the Michael Douglas/ Sean Penn The Game kind of game. Instead it was deadly jumpy, kicky, fighty game that requires flips and a rando placed pommel horse. It’s super important the US win and take over, I don’t know why. No one outside of the excotic (NOT) location of “Parmistan” has won in 900 years. It’s all up to our man Jonathan / Kurt Thomas and his Mullet Intensity to have us screaming U-S-A! U-S-A!

Jonathan’s training to help him up his game is given to him by Princess Rubali. Some of his training involved walking handstands with nice tight close ups of Kurt’s Thomas. Naturally, after seeing his potential and sweet kicks, the silent but deadly Princess falls in love with that dope mullet. I mean ladies, how can you NOT, am I right?

Now this is where it becomes a great big blur. As I faded in and out of consciousness, I caught blurbs of what was happening. The Caspian Sea, a pet hawk or Eagle for some reason? Maybe to make Jonathan look even cooler? Of course! I remember staring at what looked like a dead tooth in Jonathan / Kurt Thomas’s mouth. Like I’d wake up and there would be another poorly angled dead tooth close up. I also remember a vague discussion on how much did Home Alone 2 borrow from these fight scenes? (I really wish I was more awake for that one!)

I remember sassy extras doing just a little too much in back of fight scenes. I also remember a lot of toothless extras. I remember an unusually large amount of Duh face happening. The combination of the two made me ask Matty if they were supposed to be zombies. They were not. There was also parts of the course I’d missed, like a rope course. Matt informed me that was hilarious. Lastly I remember waking up and thinking holy shit, is this still on? Needless to say, despite my napping, I hadn’t missed much.

The Game was like a Crazy Town Rampage. Our hero was wandering a city while silent creepy toothless locals waived white flags with dead eyes to direct him to the next leg of The Game. Then more insane people would come out and eerily fight him? It’s as if someone said let’s create this “competition” around death by gymnastics to the mentally ill. It’s literally a town made up of the criminally insane he has to fight his way through. In the real world, these people are locals on location in Yugoslavia. They truly picked some convincing folks. I don’t know man, it freaked me out. Yak-Malla.

So anyway, a pommel horse appears out of nowhere while the creepy people make sad noises at Jonathan, and yada yada yada, Kurt Thomas gets to do his super Olympics signature move and wins The Game for the USA. Hooray we killed the poor locals! Princess Ruyobi is back for smoochies! Forgot about that bitch didn’t you. Lol!

This was NOT my kind of movie. I’m not a big action movie fan, even the laughably bad ones can be questionable for me. However, my male counterparts, Ty Comeuppance and Sweet Matty, were howling at this “action” flick. Ty literally said he loved it! Matt found it funny and enjoyable, but also....BAD. 

Here’s the breakdown:

Best Parts - Village of the Crazies

     - Pommel Horses

                 - Mullet Intensity and Deep Comb Overs

     - Gymkata!

Worst Parts - Dead Tooth Close Ups

                   - The Villagers

                   - The Script, Direction & Acting

                   - What love story?

TY - 4 Pliskins MATT - 3 Pliskins JILL - 1 Pliskin  

References :

Kurt Thomas Wiki - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Thomas_(gymnast)

Rotten Tomatoes Gymkata Review - https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/gymkata/

Zandalee (1991)

Zandalee. Zandalee! ZANDALEE! The movie that warped my brain for days. I literally went from hating it, to obsessing over it, to deciding it’s one of the most amazing pieces of shit I’d ever seen. Much like the main title character, I have no idea if I love it or hate it. But I need it.

It sure was a movie!

Zandalee is a not so erotic morality tale focused on the title character. Zandalee Martin (Erika Anderson) is the attractive wife of Thierry, oddly played by Judge Reinhold, a man who would NOT be my first choice for an erotic thriller… Thierry is a Tennessee poet who has given up the pen and taken on a fledgling family business position he didn’t want in New Orleans, Louisiana. By day Zandalee is friendly with her nosy garbage man - Steve Buscemi, as well as her local bartender - Aaron Neville, who wears only sleeveless leather and denim vests. She is a dressmaker who owns a boutique and engages with crossdressing friend and only likable character, Joe Pantoliano. By night she is a bored wife who berates her husband for his recently deceased Daddy issues and physical and emotional impotence as a result of the latter. Oh, and Thierry’s eccentric and newly widowed mother lives with them, which may also be a boner killer for the poor bastard. Once a poet, he no longer writes or aspires to write. Their marriage is struggling. They have emotional lilting conversations in fading southern accents straight out of Tennessee Williams dinner theater.

Judge Reinhold as Thierry trying to make love to his wife,  I literally wrote in my notes for this JUDGE REINHOLD IS NAKED AND IT FEELS WRONG! NOOOOOOOO!  I see Judge Reinhold as a Dad character, or a goofy character. Beverly Hills Cop comes to mind. But the second he is naked on screen. I am trying to redress him with my eyes. It’s like entire conversations with naked Judge Reinhold! His sad impotent sex scenes with his sad dad bod. After failing to make love to Zandalee, he calls himself a paraplegic of the soul. His wife screams she wishes he was a paraplegic then masturbates and cries. It is the most awkward and uncomfortable scene. I was like who cast Judge Reinhold in this! Then later read he was a producer on this, it was his project and his baby. He cast himself…. Ugh - vanity project!

One night at a party Thierry runs into his old friend Johnny, played by our boy Nicky Cage. Cage’s entrance is reminiscent of his character in Face/Off as he enters the party like the opposite of Thierry - a total head banging rock star. Johnny Collins is an oily repairman who moonlights as a coked up bohemian artist. Buckle up bitches. He’s about to blast you to the moon!

Thierry makes the mistake of bringing his sexually charged friend home to meet his family. Johnny sees Zandalee and despite being his “friends” wife, he immediately starts flirt-terrorizing her. This later extends to stalking her and spouting out horrific panty droppers like “We’re inevitable. I want to shake you naked and eat you alive, Zandalee.” Trust me, they just get weirder from here. Inevitably, (haha, see what I did there) Zandalee and Johnny have an arty and semi-forced affair.

Now let’s talk scenery chewing. Not since my beloved Showgirls, or The Room has there been scenery chewing in sex scenes quite like this. Nic is Cage Raging through plowing Zandalee like nothing else. I couldn’t contain my glee/horror. Nick’s “sexy” look for this film is very shiny, very oily. His hair has an incredible black mullet weave in the back while sporting one hell of a porn stache and soul patch. To see him in full regal, with his devil may care attitude, scene chewing every chance he gets - Cage Magic.

The sex scenes are unfortunately where Cage Rage is happening the most. At one point Johnny Cage Rage finger paints Zandalee’s belly with blue paint in what is suppose to be like a 9 ½ weeks type situation. It’s not.  He draws little bits of ze art on her. When saying she won’t leave her husband because he was a poet,he rando finger bangs her telling her “this is poetry.” At another point in their trysts he tells her to get on her stomach and makes a lube of olive oil and cocaine. She protests saying she doesn’t get high. He responds saying oh this won’t get you high, as he shoves it straight up her ass. What a romantic! Just when you think this guy can’t possibly sweep her off her feet any more - he stalks her and butt rapes her in a church and upon climax says thank you, Father! *barf*

As Zandalee continues to have ze rapey arty hate sex with Cocaine Johnny, Thierry continues to pull further away. At one point it’s super obvious he knows what’s going on. Kind of hard not to. After obnoxious oily beau-hunk Johnny tries to get dirty under the table with Zandalee at her own small dinner party, they go into the next room to “get dessert” as she fights off his advances. But as these two crazy kids are prone to do, their fight propels them to the bone zone and they hop on the old washing machine and have it off in audible distance of THE PARTY! Thierry looks up and puts two and two together. You have to think, if he can hear it so did his like Mom and all their friends, including, for some reason, Marisa Tomei. It’s so upsetting that Thierry can barely keep his southern accent straight and they all sit awkwardly around the table.

After quarreling some more, Zandalee tries to break it off with Johnny.  Johnny has other sexy ladies calling him and leaving him sexytime messages. Zandalee hears one and gets crazy jealous and trashes his studio / apartment. Take THAT Johnny!

Finally, Zandalee goes to her sad husband and tells him everything and asks if they can start over again, just the two of them. Thierry agrees and they make love successfully. Pleased as punch with herself she says to him “See, every part works.” Talk about passive aggressive.

As the couple gets ready to take off down the bayou and happily day drinks their probs away, Johnny Cage Rage shows up and he’s ready to dance. He takes Thierry, NOT Zandalee, by the paws and begins to Tango. Both men are looking bizarre and as if they both are trying to lead. It’s weird energy. Matt chimed in and said ‘where is this movie! I want to see more about this story!’ We imagined a world where this delved into a Brokeback Mountain I-just-can’t-quit-you moment, because let’s face it - that would have been epic and turned the movie into a story that was never about Zandalee at all but about the men who used her because they were too afraid to be in love with each other. OMG tears! Yassss!

But it’s not about that, because next thing ya know, day drunk Thierry is pulling a gun on everybody and shit starts getting real. They all get into the boat and are drinking and driving it through the murky water. At some point they all tumble out and are trying to kill / save one another. Thierry starts to drown and Zandalee tries to save him until she starts to drown and Johnny saves her while Thierry drowns then Cage fights him then saves him. Then in an awkward as fuck twist, Thierry jumps up and bites Johnny on the neck so hard he tears a hunk of flesh off then dives down under water like a fish and drowns himself. What. The. Fuck.

It’s not over yet. Cage gets cocaine crazy after Thierry dies. He flips on the regular. His Cage Rage wad is blown on the breakdown temper tantrum of all time while scrubbing himself in black paint. This makes Vampire’s Kiss infamous Cage Rage tantrums, look like mere child’s play! Epicly weird!

Eventually he restalks Zandalee who has been telling her life story to the nosy garbage man Buscemi, and tries to rekindle their relationship. She recoils. Just as they are crossing butt rape church a little if ever mentioned gangster tries to do a drive by of Johnny. Guess he wasn’t paying for all that coke up her ass. Zandalee throws herself in front of the bullet and dies. Now it’s just dumb Johnny. Boo the end.

Had this been a french film with the intentions of being a relationship drama it would have been amazing. There is a deep story buried somewhere in the scenery chewing and unsexy sex. A story of deteriorating relationships and three people who are falling apart and can’t save each other from their own dysfunction. It blurs the line of love, obsession and hate. BUT what you are actually getting is an overacted American film that calls itself an erotic thriller when it is neither erotic or a thriller. It’s a vanity project at best.

What separates this from a typical Cage Rage performance is that Nick is totally rolling with some of these scenes all the way up to 11. Then he makes the difference by following that up with completely pulling back. Then again creep, creep, creep boom pow Cage Rage 11. An interesting side note. Nicolas Cage, particularly in his early days pre-tax probs, is a method actor. You have got to wonder what his prep was to prepare for this role.

Here’s the breakdown:

The Best Parts   - Nick Cage

                          - Nick Cage

                          - Nick Cage

The Worst Parts  - Good Idea, Poor Execution

                           - Judge Reinhold

                           - Butt Rape

References:

IMDB - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101004/

Zandalee: Shake You Naked and Eat You Alive - Nat Prance, Medium 8/28/16 https://medium.com/everyniccagemovieever/zandalee-shake-you-naked-and-eat-you-alive-a8d868d1c074

Bad Movies We Love - Edward Margulies & Stephen Rebello, Plume Books

CageCast -  Zandalee (1991) Full Review 7/1/2015  https://youtu.be/vBUdRw-Y0mk

Glitter (2001)

In 2001 Mariah Carey and company released this bouncy colorful and all around awful movie into an only ten day post 9/11 startled and stunned world. In this Mariah Carey pop star vehicle full of neon colors, star wipes, fades and of course - Glitter, this movie had found zero place in society. A lot of this films’ failure was trumped up to the incredibly poor timing of its release. Yet, here we are in the year 2019 and it’s continued to maintain a reputation as a badly acted, directed, and written flick and was practically laughed out of theaters by audiences. Mariah Carey won a Razzie for Worst Actress and to this day will not let anyone close to her discuss this movie and refers to it as “the G-word.” I think this movie literally made it’s star go insane. Her promotion for the movie was tainted by bizarre behavior and what seemed like a complete meltdown. In fact, I think you need to be functioning on a different plane of existence to even understand what is happening in Glitter.

So naturally, I neeeeeded to watch it. In the depths of my soul I yearned to see this other kind of disaster flick. Grabbing my husband,Matt, (@dickdangers) who is also a fan of the fantastically bad, and wonderfully campy, as well as grabbing one of my besties, Ty Comeuppance, who is one half of a duo who reviews so bad they’re good action flicks (@TyComeuppance of Comeuppance Reviews)

At their reluctance, we all settled in to watch Glitter. It was time for us to determine once and for all, is this a misunderstood awesomely bad movie we love, or just another schlock fest?!?

After watching, I can see why Mariah had to go bye bye for a while.

Glitter opens in the 70s to a singer named Lillian Frank singing in a night club while her tween daughter watches mesmerized, then joins her mother on stage to show that those bluesy pipes were definitely handed down. AND then sparkles with her high note register. You find out that they are poor, Lillian is a single mom, and it’s implied that she’s neglectful and has some drug or alcohol issues going on. She falls asleep with a lit cigarette while sitting upright in a chair. A fire breaks out, and Lillian’s daughter, Billie, is taken away and put into the foster care system. Throughout these moments of what feels like a gripping mother daughter tale about to unfold, we are pushed into each randomly timed new segment with a weird wipe or fade, and sometimes rando rainfalls of glitter. Every time that happens, you think ok, this must be a later point in time, like now we’re going to flash to the grown up Billie, or like a miracle about to happen or something. But that never happens. When you do finally flash to grown up Billie - a club partying Mariah, THERE’S NO WIPE! It’s confusing. Everything goes from a sad but interesting mother daughter story to a technicolor highway of numbing dumb and you remember, right, I’m watching a pretentious star vehicle.

Now we are told it’s 1983 - and everything looks like it’s made by Lisa Frank. It’s like we suddenly teleport into the middle of a completely different movie that eagerly borrows from every 80s pop star cliche movie ever. The music is jumpin’ and the colors are neon vivid. Every song sounds like a Prince rip-off, borrowing from the original and best pretentious star vehicle of all time - Purple Rain. From this point there is no telling how much time lapses. At some points it seems like it’s been a day, other points it feels like years. The wipes happen more and more randomly. There’s really no way of telling. You’re a Mariah Carey time traveler now, let’s get incoherent.

MC, or Billie Frank makes some NYC besties that feel like the Supremes and she loves them sooooo much, but will ditch them for a better opportunity at a moments notice. Borrowing from the Nomi Malone School of Thought, MC / Billie continues to play I’m a victim, I’m a star, I’m a horrible human being throughout the film. She gets discovered by Terrence Howard playing Timothy, but who cares, who is looking for backup singers for his special lady friend’s girl group. Naturally, super talented Mariah and her NYC besties are contracted for the job and the glitter is flying.

Surprise, surprise, turns out Terrence Howards’ special lady friend is all bod and beauty and her singing is horrid. So in a gasp 80s moment, they Milli Vanilli that shit and get Bod and Beauty to lip sync MC/Billie’s real vocals. They explode onto the music scene with a big club date and a single with Bod and Beauty looking like she’s about to make it big time and acting like she’s the Big Bad. Tricky little Nomi/ Mariah/Billie blows Bod and Beauty’s cover out of the water by singing backstage after their big club performance, proving she is the real talent in the group. They get discovered by disc jockey Julian, better known as Dice, or Chilly D, or Not Tommy Mottola. He’s onto Nomi/ Mariah’s game and shows the whole club she was the real songstress behind the girl group. Everybody lovers her and now she’s the pretty little ingenue. Here is where it starts to feel like a child's version of an ingenues’ rise to fame. This is also the point where all three of us viewing Glitter began trying to keep each other awake to the end.

Terrence Howard makes a deal with Chilly D/ Dice for MC/Billie. He wants to write some songs with her. So he bargains to buy out her contract, completely ignoring the fact that he has zero money. Terrence Howard agrees and goes back to his sad lady friends’ quest for fame, but he’s not happy about it.

Chilly D Dice and Billie/Nomi begin to make music in and out of the sheets and start a falling in love montage. At this point I think Mariah is constantly singing a Robert Palmer cover, but am never sure if that’s the song. But hey, she’s got a hit song on the radio now! Things start to get weird as Billie’s star rises. Naive little Billie turns into her fully Nomi Malone/Mariah Carey realized diva. It’s here we all start to notice a blurring of the diva Mariah Carey and the newly christened diva, Billie Frank. For example MC/Billie start to sport a silver paint stripe on her body in different places throughout the movie. Why? No one knows. She’s a star baby, a STAR. She defies logic. We also start to notice that Mariah is only filmed on one side of her face. Gotta keep that good side shining bright.   

Chilly Dice starts to take the hint and not to be outdone, gets an ego trip of his own. Dice starts acting like a tough guy with a NYC gangster stereotype accent that fades in and out with his temper. He starts taking control of both Billie and her career as he man handles her, yells at her, getting drunk and acting like a dick so much that even her Supreme back up friends that were kicked to the curb in favor of a solo act, can’t handle being around Dice anymore. Although you think they would have said something before they are squeezed out of their own group and put on the friendship shelf.

Ultimately Billie bounces after she finds out  DJ Chilly Dice STILL never paid Terrence Howard and spent the night in jail for his belligerent behavior. She gets her revenge on him by collaborating with other artists and making even more hit songs, once again dropping the people she loves for better opportunity. But then she starts to miss him. And he starts to miss her. The time hopping is all a flutter, has it been a year? Four years? Three days? Who knows! They suddenly get on this superhuman love wave length and begin separately WRITING THE SAME FUCKING SONG. She’s writing the lyrics and he is writing the music without any actual communication. Well this must be true love! MC Billie Nomi goes to DJ Julian Dice’s house, just narily missing him. She proceeds to break into his house and sees the sheet music to her heart song that Dice had been working on. She kisses the sheet music and leaves.

Now that Billie is hella famous after her 5 minute, or 1 week to 6 year God knows how long rise to fame, she is obviously going on to play Madison Square Garden. She’s rich, she’s famous, she’s back in love. She walks into the her dressing room only to see her management team freaking out over the news. DJ Julian Dice Chilly D has been shot in the back by Terrence Howard. He’s dead. The dysfunctional love of her life and mentor that launched her career is gone forever. But the show simply MUST go on! Dramatically, MC Mariah Billie Frank takes the stage wearing a silver glittery gown and says with exactly zero emotion "Everybody out there, don't ever take anybody ... for granted." and perfectly sings the song they wrote together without writing it together, or practicing it, or knowing how the music goes played all the way through. This could have been an amazing emotional moment. This could have even been a campy emotional moment. Or a scenery chewing emotional moment ala Neely O’Hara. But instead it is the most wooden bullshit moment of the entire movie, and exactly where I mentally jumped ship and said a million fuck you’s.

Just when you think it’s over, they beam you back off the time hopping ship to the original storyline. When you no longer care about that interesting mother daughter tale of redemption, they force feed you that loose end. Conveniently, Dice had left a congratulatory note for Billie on her playing Madison Square Garden, he tells her he tracked down her mother and enclosed her current address. It was a surprise for her. Billie Mariah is driven in her limo all the way from the Garden to rural Tennessee (I think it’s Tennessee, but if not, who cares!!!) to her mama and reunites with hugs and tears, but zero explanations. Fade to credits, you’re asleep.

I sat for so long with this flick, trying to figure out how this ended up being the final product. This movie took from 1997 to 2001 to make. It was shelved for album obligations due to Mariah’s contract with Columbia. Surely someone continued to work on this. Didn’t they? It must have gone through a bunch of different hands. But as my brain continued to dissect and I thought about what Matt and Ty had to say about it from their perspective, it kind of dawned on me. Everyone made terrible choices and no one bothered to put a reality filter on. This was an ego trip set to music.

The script - the screenwriter had been responsible for some serious stinkers. The characters turn on a dime out of nowhere, Some of the dialogue is repeated back and forth using the same exact words and phrases like a ball being lazily passed back and forth. Also there are too many subplots that seem to clog up the main storyline. There’s no time for them to develop or be given the proper attention in the movie’s time frame. It makes all the characters feel even more frivolous.

The lighting, the design all around from the clothing to the hairstyles seemed to fade in and out of the 80s era like Dice’s New York gangster accent. Is it the 80s, the 90s, or 2001? What???

Not one character is likable. Every person is selfish and self serving. Again I compare this to Showgirls, another Hollywood tale of the big bad business of being famous run by unlikable characters that people continue to help and bend backwards for despite their BS. The difference of course being that despite all the bad, Showgirls is funny! This was just…. A trainwreck. At the end of the day despite her talent, Billie is unlikable and kind of sad, her life never really has a big happy ending. She’s just an asshole who got famous and found her mom .

Here’s the breakdown:

Best Parts - It’s Trash Yourself Cinema

                   The Music is Kinda Fun

                   Obscure 80s References Like Chilly D

       

Worst Parts - The Rest!

Jill - 1 Pliskin Matt - 1 Pliskin Ty - 1 Pliskin

References:

Glitter Wiki - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glitter_(film)

IMDB - https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118589/