Hudson Hawk (1991)

If you ever wanted the definition of a stupid movie, this could be an incredible contender for it! Today we’re reviewing a movie that really divided us as Plisskens and sparked the question among us for the umpteenth time - so what is a good bad movie? We watched Hudson Hawk, and boy, it sure was…. something!

This is perhaps, the biggest mistake Bruce Willis has ever made - and he’s made a few mistakes. The Color of Night, Striking Distance, Die Hard 5, all those new Redbox movies where it’s just him in close up while a stand-in does the work. But this, this is a special kind of failure. Bruce actually took part in writing this comedy that feels like it was written for 12-year-old boys. And a big surprise! This is also, a bit of a musical…. Where Bruce Willis sings. Because the only thing Bruce likes to do more than tell bad jokes is sing! God help us!

Hudson Hawk is about the world’s best cat burglar getting out of jail and hoping to enjoy a really good cappuccino. Instead, he immediately gets caught up in a scheme with his old partner in burgarlaring and song, Danny Aiello. And the fun never begins! When on the job, they don’t time themselves with a watch, because that would be logical. Instead, they memorize a bunch of songs, knowing each one by the length of time it takes to sing, to keep themselves on schedule. So their first big job is a duet of You Should Be Swinging On a Star.

That’s right, you don’t have to seek out Bruce Willis’s The Return of Bruno album. You can just watch this to hear his… musical stylings. And despite all of this reputation and talent, they get caught immediately by museum security. Maybe they should have been quiet and got a stopwatch. Let the smh begin!‍

At an auction, we meet Sandra Bernhard and Richard E. Grant, a rich couple with a little white dog named Bunny, and a goal of world domination. They are quite seriously the best part of the movie. Sandra does her sassy sexy ugly thing she does so well. And Richard E. Grant spends time looking annoyed and spitting out lines the way he does best - slightly charming, slightly slimy and 100% British. They also have some mobster henchmen who are all named after candy bars. Way to go, Butterfinger! Ah Doy!

We also meet ole Brucey’s love interest, “played” by Andie MacDowell. She, of course, brings her acting powerhouse to the screen that she is so known for. You know all of those powerful emoting roles, and all those Oscars….  

GUYS! I’m KIDDING! She can barely stay awake, let along act! And let along act in this heap of Willis! Andie brings forth yet another delightful character centered around - ‘I am southern but sadly, made of wood’. Quick - somebody shake her awake, the audience is looking!

Lots of cartoonish buffoonery stuff happens. A lot of Bunny Ball Ball. Where the dog - Bunny chases a ball, then chases Hudson Hawk’s balls, which he creepily enjoys. Then chases the ball out a window, in what is sadly probably the best part of the movie. It’s so weird you might just laugh.

After getting fucked over a lot and destroying the bad guys, Hudson Hawk Bruce whines a lot because all he really wanted was a good cappuccino. Dude, this is the only part in which I can relate! After some ‘splosions and dumb jokes. He does, in fact, get that deeply desired cappuccino, as well as Andie MacDowell’s boring ass.

Now I’m not saying this is the worst movie we’ve ever seen. It’s not. That’s reserved for Cell or Alien 3000. At best, it’s a bad comedy vanity project. It’s also an immature bad comedy with an R rating. And really, I think that’s where this movie goes wrong. They should have gone for a PG-13 and marketed it to a younger audience that would be giggling over ball jokes, candy jokes, and dumb physical comedy. Instead, they alienated the teenager market. I’m also sure there are groups of folks that find this movie funny. My husband, Sweet Matty Plissken, thinks it’s funny. I think he does solely based on nostalgia. He was a young pre-teen boy when he saw this movie for the first time, and he giggled with his best buddy while watching it. To this day they quote this movie. But he also thinks it’s terrible. He’s not wrong. It’s a comedy for a very narrow audience.

The Best Parts

- Bunny Ball Ball!

- Sandra Bernhard and Richard E. Grant

The Worst Parts

-Bruce Willis

-Bruce Willis's writing

-Bruce Willis's singing

TY - 1 ½ Plisskens

MATT - 4 Plisskens (OMG, are we getting divorced? Irreconcilable Movie Differences!)

JILL - If I could rate this movie in farts, I’d give it Taco Bell.